Adult Survivor of Child Abuse

Posted: May 18, 2011 in Uncategorized

This is the way that it feels to survive
This is the way that it feels
To be the desert, empty
Stretching endless in all directions
Toward the horizon
Straining to hold onto it
Like a rope, to grab on
To pull yourself out of yourself
Like a weed

This is the way that it feels
To grow up before you’re grown
This is the way it feels
To store up every drop of love
Like a cactus
And grow needles
As a defense against being touched
This is Life without Water

This is the way that it feels
To be circumscribed
By the horizon
By things you need
And can not have

This is the way that it feels
To surrender
To let the wind
Build Dunes and draw ripples
In your possibilities
To let caravans
Of camels and Distant
Travelers leave
Footprints on the canvass
Of your longing

This is the way that it feels
To be uninhabitable

This is the way that it feels
To be the ocean moving
Swallowing secrets
Like Shipwrecks
So deep no technology
Can bring them to light

This is the way that it feels
To be unknown
These are the strange
And terrifying creatures
That eat each other
Within my black and icy depths

This is the way that it feels
To have your past
Hanging round and white
Above you in your sky
To rise and fall as the tide
At the demand of distant
Influences you do not understand
After the beatings
Have lost their Force
But not their power

This is the way that it feels
To break in waves
To try to find yourself
Between ebb and flow
To bang your fists repeatedly
Against beautiful shores
You can never call home

This is the way that it feels
To be an old and run down house
Slated for demolition
To be a silent vessel
For broken stairs
And memory . . .
The peeling paint
And crumbling edifices
To stand out unpretty
In a line of painted homes
With manicured lawns
To have people
Glance side ways at you
And quicken their walk
As they pass

This is the way that it feels . . .
To be broken into
To be used
To be pissed on
To be forgotten
To be in the way
To be abandoned
To be condemned

This is the way that it feels
To try to stand tall among people
When you are falling apart

This is the way that it feels
To wear metaphors
Like dress-up clothes
Because the Truth
Is too naked

This is the way that it feels
To use the inanimate world
As a mirror to see yourself
Because you can not
Find yourself
Among people

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